I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
