I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
