I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
