Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
