If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just invented taco cereal.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
