i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
