Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
