i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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