i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
