Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Did I show you my penis last night?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
