id be glad to
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
