i wish semen tasted like chocolate
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
