Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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