I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
