don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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