Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
