I like to think it a success when the cops are called
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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