I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize
