mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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