Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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