i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
