It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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