My underwear smells like fireworks.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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