its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
