I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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