I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
