Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
