she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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