this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
