i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
