Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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