becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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