i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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