There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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