I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
He has the fingertips of a God
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