Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
