I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
