Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
