when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
