census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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