it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
