Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
