i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
