if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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