I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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