We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
