I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
