my room smells like sperm. sweet.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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