Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Holy sore nipples Batman
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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