u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
