Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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