you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
