The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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